


Troubled Hearted Kind

by themayqueen



Series: Troubled Hearted Kind [1]
Category: Hanson (Band)
Genre: Affairs, Cheating, Children, Divorce, Extramarital Affairs, F/M, Infidelity, Marriage, Pregnancy
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-12-19
Updated: 2015-12-19
Packaged: 2018-05-07 16:10:58
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 10,809
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5462831
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/themayqueen/pseuds/themayqueen
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A short look at the choices Natalie and Zac have made in their lives over several years, and the ways that their lives have intertwined.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. January 2013

**Author's Note:**

> Written for [Taking The Leap](http://leap.placetohide.net/) 2012\. I challenged myself to write a Zac/Natalie story.

This is the life Natalie wanted. 

She reminds herself of that every day, every time she wakes up to a crying baby or spends the day scrubbing crayon off the walls. When Taylor is gone on tour she watches his television appearances and looks up concert videos online, watching them over and over to remind herself of just _why_ this is the life, the man, she chose. It's almost easier to remember when he's only a face in a photograph or a figure on film than when he's actually there.

Every time those bitter thoughts cross her mind, Natalie has to chastise herself. If she wants to keep up the life she knows, then she has to forfeit her husband for a few months a year. It's a trade off that she agreed to before the ring was even on her finger. Still, it hasn't gotten any easier over the years, especially when he's there right there in the same house but still miles away. He throws himself into his work so much that Natalie sometimes wonders if he even remembers, during those long days and nights in the studio, that he has a family waiting at home.

Having a strict daily routine helps, Natalie's found. It keeps her body moving so that her mind can stay idle. In the mornings, she's the first person awake, coaxing Taylor toward his coffee cup and making sure the kids are fed, clothed and off to school on time. In the evenings, there are dinners to cook, homework to assist with, baths and bedtimes to enforce. It's the time in between that drives her crazy, when the house is silent – at least when Dorothea's napping. Natalie doesn't mind the crying, though; she's had ten years to grow accustomed to crying babies, and anything is better than a big, silent house.

More than once she's suggested to Taylor that a summer tour she can join him on would be nice. He just rolls his eyes and accuses her of wanting to keep an eye on him. Natalie doesn't argue, because he's at least partially right. But just once, for just a few months, she'd like the chance to live like a rockstar's wife, not a twenty-nine year old housewife, the chance to have something in her life that isn't all about cooking, cleaning and children.

She's working her way through her list of daily chores – handwritten on the pretty stationary Kate bought her for Christmas – when the doorbell chimes. She has to pause, breath held, and say a little prayer that the noise doesn't disturb Dorothea in her crib, but the house remains silent except for the slight echo of bells.

When the doorbell sounds again, Natalie rushes to answer it before her luck runs out and Dorothea _does_ wake up. She doesn't know why he still bothers with the formal pretense. They both know that at least once a week, when he can get away during their lunch break, he'll be there to see her. At first, he would give her some lame excuse, but after a while they stopped lying, at least to each other, about why he was there.

She flings the door open to see him still leaning in, his hand in the air to ring the bell again. His hair is getting long again, a few strands hanging out of his ponytail and she can't resist the urge to reach up and tuck them behind his ear. It's such a motherly gesture and Natalie immediately hates herself for it, but he just gives her that shy smile that probably started this whole awful thing in the first place.

“Zac,” she breathes out. “Come on in.”

He follows her into the house and Natalie makes a show out of hanging up his coat and scarf, escorting him to the kitchen and offering him lunch. She knows he's just going to stop at Taco Bueno on his way back the studio, and anyway, he didn't come here for a lunch date. She hates herself for even thinking the word _date_ because that couldn't be farther from what's happening. They'll never go on a date, she and Zac, and she can't even remember the last time she went on a real date – not some red carpet appearance or stupid night out clubbing – with Taylor, either.

He declines her offer of leftover coffee and peanut butter sandwiches as politely as possible. Inside, Natalie is beating herself up for not even being able to offer him anything better than that. It doesn't matter that he would say no to all of it. Taylor's the chef in this house, not her, and she knows Zac gets far better to eat at home than whatever she could throw together for him. She can't help feeling a little better, then, knowing that he's going to break that new organic diet Kate's got him on with greasy tacos and soda. 

“How's the recording going?” Natalie asks, struggling to think of anything at all to say. Taylor hasn't said a thing about their new songs, and she _is_ genuinely curious. It's no secret that she's a fan, still, even after all these years.

Zac's face lights up at the chance to discuss his music. Natalie knows it's just as much of an escape for him as it is for Taylor, although she's never been sure just what Zac's trying to run from. Whatever the reason, though, Zac is animated and practically bubbly, his smile spreading completely across his face as he talks about the new song they've been recording. Talking about his passions causes this amazing transformation in Zac that Natalie always loves to see. He's eloquent and intelligent, and she wonders if anyone else actually takes the time to notice just how much so. She'd like to think she's the only one who can really see it.

After a few minutes, Zac lets a sentence trail of into a chuckle and glances down, shoving his hands in his pockets. He mumbles an apology – for talking too long and wasting some of what little they have together, Natalie assumes – but she doesn't mind. Some days she would be perfectly content just to listen to him talk for an hour.

Not today, though. Today Natalie's mind has been working in overdrive, reminding her of all the ways she can't control her life and all the things she dislikes about it, and she's ready to take control again, if only briefly. 

She takes a few steps toward him, running her hands up and down his arms until he takes the hint and pulls his hands out of his pockets. One hand slides onto her waist, still a little hesitant but steady and _strong_ , so unlike the only other hand that's touched her that way. Natalie doesn't like to think about Taylor when she's doing this with Zac, but the thoughts creep in anyway, and her mind catalogs all their differences and similarities even when she wills it not to.

Natalie pulls herself onto her tiptoes, even though Zac isn't _that_ much taller than her, and presses her lips to his. It's an unspoken rule that she's always the one to take initiative and make the first move. Once she's given him that unspoken okay, though, Zac takes the lead. He deepens the kiss, nudging Natalie backward until her back presses up against the kitchen counter. His strong arms lift her easily onto the counter's surface. 

That's another unspoken rule; they never do this in the bedroom. Natalie's not sure why it's important that she draws that line, but nevertheless, she has. If Zac minds, he's never said. He's always seemed adaptable to whatever situation they're thrown into together; it's one of the many things Natalie likes about him. 

Zac's hands travel up her thighs, pushing up the long skirt she decided to wear that day on a whim until it's bunched up around her waist. She remembers feeling terribly shy the first time they did this, wondering if her body measured up to what Zac was accustomed to. He soothed her worries with gentle kisses in places Taylor hadn't so much as looked at in months, and Natalie never looked back. Her cheeks only warm a little now when Zac's hand dances up her inner thigh.

Natalie's back arches, her body aching to be closer to him. She unbuttons his shirt so she can run her hands up and down his chest, liking how warm and smooth it is against her hands. There's not time for either of them to take all their clothes off, but that's okay, Natalie decides. Maybe next time.

He kisses down her jaw and neck, and Natalie lets out a soft moan. She always did like his lips, even years before she dreamed that something like this might happen. They weren't the perfect little cupid's bow like Taylor's; his smile was crooked and he chewed on his lips until they were chapped and raw. But the way he pouted made her weak in the knees and she couldn't help wondering what his mouth would taste like.

When he pulls away from her neck, Natalie has to hold herself back from crying out and scrambling to pull him back. That same strand of hair falls over his face when he bows his head to dig his wallet out of his pocket. Natalie doesn't have to wonder what he's looking for. This is their one _spoken_ rule. She couldn't live with herself if she had any doubt about who Dorothea's father was. 

Zac finally finds the little foil packet and holds it between his teeth as he fumbles to unbutton and unzip his jeans. He shoves both jeans and underwear down his hips in one move. Natalie slips her panties off while his head is bowed again, all his attention focused on sliding the condom on. She wishes she'd worn something a little fancier, maybe with silk and lace, but she hadn't exactly planned on this... visit.

He steps in and touches her cheek gently as he slides into her. He does that every time, and every time it makes Natalie's heart melt a little. She's never tried to pretend that this was only about sex, but they never talk about what it _is_ about. It might be easier if she only wanted his body, but she can't even begin to convince herself that's true.

Zac moves slowly at first, because this _isn't_ just some quick fuck, even when for practical reasons it has to be. Soon he finds a rhythm that they both like, and Natalie grabs fistfuls of his shirt just to steady herself. It's funny, Natalie decides, how every time they do this it feels familiar and brand new at the same time. Later, when she's not focusing on the way Zac feels inside her or the way his face scrunches up when he moans, she'll try to analyze what that might mean. 

But not right now. Right now she wants to think of nothing but how amazing this feels. It doesn't even feel _wrong_ anymore. Selfish, maybe. After this long, though, Natalie's pretty sure she's earned the right to be a little selfish and actually do something for herself. With that thought in mind, she tugs on Zac's shirt, pulling him in for a kiss.

She clutches at his shirt and wraps her legs tightly around him to keep from falling off the counter as her pleasure builds and builds until all she can see are stars behind her eyes. It feels almost like drowning and being rescued at the same time. Zac's soft moan in her ear is the best music she's ever heard.

Sometimes Zac is so quiet that Natalie's not quite sure if he's finished, but she's learned to read the other subtle cues he gives, like the way his lip quivers a little just before or how he leans his forehead against hers afterward while he catches his breath. 

He stays there, forehead pressed against hers, for a long time before finally pulling away. His face is flushed, from exertion and probably embarrassment about being so exposed in the middle of the kitchen, she would guess. It's lucky for him that she finds his shyness so attractive. She slides off the counter and readjusts her skirt and underwear while Zac turns away and tosses the condom in the garbage. Just like that, in a matter of seconds, the evidence of their infidelity is hidden.

With their clothes back in place, Natalie thinks that you can hardly tell what they've done at all. Their flushed faces and perspiration might give them away, though. Otherwise, nothing looks amiss. Natalie presses a gentle kiss to Zac's red cheek, then nudges him toward the door. She'd like to make this last, but they've wasted enough time together for one day. 

She helps him into his coat and wraps his scarf around his neck like the mother hen that she is. Zac just gives her an appreciative smile, though, and a soft peck on the lips. 

“Are you guys coming to Ike and Nikki's dinner party this weekend?” Zac asks as he slips his shoes back on. 

Natalie shrugs and gives the answer that she hates. “It's up to Taylor.”

Zac just nods and rocks back and forth on his heels a little. “Well. I'll see you later?”

“Yeah,” Natalie replies, forcing a smile. “Later.”

He leans in like he's going to kiss her again, but then seems to reconsider it, and reaches for the door instead. With one last shy smile, he opens the door, and Natalie wraps her arms around herself to shield herself from the cold that seeps in. She can't help standing in the door, shivering a little, and watching Zac walk down the steps to his truck. She doesn't move until it fades into a blue blur at the end of the street.

Once he's completely out of sight, she steps back into the house, closing the door behind her and rubbing her arms a little to warm herself up. The cold January air and the sudden lack of Zac's warmth have chilled her to the bone, and she knows that nothing will really warm her up until she sees him again. 

Her list of daily chores sits on the coffee table, and she scribbles _empty kitchen trash, scrub kitchen counter,_ and _take a shower_ onto the bottom of the list. 

She's still cold, but the silence all around her doesn't seem so deafening anymore.


	2. February 2002

Natalie hates California. She doesn't even remember why she agreed to come visit Taylor, anyway. They were supposed to talk, to patch things up. He promised her that. Now she's pretty sure that things are far past the point of being fixable and she hates herself for even agreeing to fly out here.

Now it's her last night in this godforsaken state and Taylor is out with all his new friends, doing things Natalie really, really doesn't want to think about. She's heard all the rumors, though. She couldn't avoid them if she wanted to, and it doesn't matter how many times Taylor assures her they aren't true. She saw the way he rushed to answer when Alex called and the way his face lit up. He can deny it all he wants, but she isn't blind and dumb.

At least, she didn't think she was dumb, but this trip is quickly making her reconsider that.

For the millionth time that evening, she remembers the flight back to Atlanta the next day, all on her own. The flight out hadn't been so bad; she was still riding high on the knowledge that Taylor was only a few hours away, and this cross-country trip alone was the first really adult thing she had done since turning eighteen. She didn't feel so adult now, though, hiding in the bathroom, crying.

She must have been in here for an hour now, but no one has found her yet. The rental house was eerily quiet most of the time anyway, the silence only broken by the occasional song or one of Zac's video games, but especially that night. 

Most days, it was just the three of them – now four – and Ashley with his video camera. Taylor's attempts to keep Natalie away from said video camera hadn't slipped by her unnoticed. It hardly even bothered her; she knew how much he worried about his image. She didn't have it in herself to point out all the other things he did that were far worse for his image than simply being seen on camera with her.

Maybe everyone else had left after Taylor. That would explain why her hiding place, curled up in the bathtub with the curtain pulled halfway closed, still remains a secret. Does no one even care that she was still there? Have they just forgotten about her, or are they purposely ignoring her?

When the bathroom door jerks open, Natalie jumps, banging her knee against the side of the tub and nearly pulling the curtain down.

“Oh, umm,” Zac says, frozen in the doorway, brow furrowed. “I'll just... use the other bathroom.”

Natalie doesn't breathe out until he's retreated and shut the door, leaving her alone once again. She wonders if Zac is the only other person home. Has everyone gone out and left him? That doesn't seem very nice, even if he is younger and not as eager or able to sneak into the clubs like Taylor. Maybe he doesn't mind, though; Zac's kind of a loner like that. 

A few minutes pass, or so Natalie thinks. It's not like there's a clock in the bathroom and she's never been the type to wear a watch. The door swings open again, a little more slowly this time.

“Are you, umm, okay?” Zac asks.

Natalie shrugs. She isn't, but her problems are nothing Zac can help her with.

Zac stands in the doorway, picking at the drawstring on his hoodie. He's chewing on his lip like he's considering something. Natalie doesn't have to ask what; after a moment's deliberation, he walks into the bathroom and sits down on the edge of the tub.

She and Zac have never talked much. Maybe it's the age difference, or the fact that he's been glued to Kate's side most of the times she's seen him. She's not sure he's going to talk now, either; he's just sitting there, staring down at the tile and chewing that bottom lip again.

“Are you sick?” He asks, like he's just reaching for any possible explanation why someone would choose to sit, fully clothed, in an empty bath tub.

Natalie shakes her head. She does _feel_ sick, but she's pretty sure that's just her emotions taking over. Any other kind of sickness... well, it's way too soon for _that_ , and even if it wasn't, Zac isn't exactly the person she needs to discuss it with.

“I didn't realize you were here,” Zac says, his fingers dancing along the edge of the tub like he's playing the piano. Natalie's watched Taylor do the same thing on any available surface. “I thought you went out with Taylor.”

“No,” she replies, shaking her head. “He went out with his _friends_.”

She spits the last word out, and the look on Zac's face tells her that he knows exactly the friends she's referring to. She wonders if his family dislikes them as much as she does, but she doesn't have the guts to ask. Taylor said she was just jealous that someone else got to spend time with him. Maybe she is.

“And he left you here?”

“Why not? It's not like we're... together now.” Her voice catches on the last few words. She can't even say what she really means: they've broken up. They're over. She's no longer Taylor Hanson's girlfriend.

Zac's eyes widen. “Oh... I thought...”

“So did I,” Natalie replies and even she's surprised by how bitter her own voice sounds. She's not a bitter person, never has been. Kate's the rational one who told her this trip wouldn't fix anything, and she's the optimist who wouldn't listen.

“Does Kate know?”

Natalie shakes her head and tries to subtly wipe away the tears that have started to fall again. “No. I'm not really ready to hear 'I told you so'.”

“I'm sure she wouldn't...” Zac trails off, seemingly realizing that there's no point in finishing that statement. Kate would mean well, but she would say it.

Natalie just shrugs again and curls up further so that she's occupying only a tiny portion of the tub. It's not an invitation for Zac to join her, but he does anyway, sliding less than gracefully into the tub, dirty shoes and all.

“I'm sorry,” he says. Natalie wants to tell him that it isn't his fault, but she knows that wouldn't stop him from apologizing. It's kind of a childlike reaction, the idea that an apology from the wrong person could even help, but it does make her feel a little better.

“Thanks,” she replies, sniffling a little.

Zac scoots a tiny bit closer to her, their knees barely touching. “Can I ask... what happened?”

“You can ask,” Natalie replies. “But I don't know. I know he's – well, all you guys – are really stressed out, but... he's just so different now.”

Zac nods knowingly. So it isn't just her; other people can see the change in Taylor, too. His passion and optimism were part of the reason Natalie fell for him, but these days they just scare her. When he's up, he talks like he could rule the world and his optimism is so infectious that Natalie doesn't even care how ridiculous he sounds. But when he's down... well, that's when he tells her he thought about driving his car off a cliff and into the ocean and accuses her of trying to change him. How can she change him when she doesn't even know him anymore?

“I can talk to him, if you want,” Zac offers. 

Natalie almost laughs. Sometimes Zac seems so mature, but other times he reminds her that he's really still a kid. He's the same age she was when she met Taylor, but in some ways, he still seems so much younger. It's sweet of him to offer, but she really doubts there's anything he could do that would help.

“No, that's okay,” she finally replies. “Thanks, but... just keep an eye on him, okay? Make sure he's alright?”

Zac nods again, and Natalie is glad that she doesn't have to explain what she means. She couldn't if she wanted; she has her suspicions about his problems, but she knows Taylor would just deny them. 

“Did he... do something?” Zac asks slowly and cautiously. 

She eyes Zac carefully. Taylor did _lots_ of things she'd rather not discuss with his little brother. She and Kate talk; Natalie knows they haven't gone all the way yet, but Zac isn't really an innocent little kid. Still, that doesn't mean she wants to discuss her sex life with him, or that she could possibly explain everything else that Taylor did. She wraps her arms around her knees, pulls them up to her chest and looks down, unwilling to meet Zac's eyes.

“Nat?” Zac asks, and it starts her enough that she looks up. It's not just Taylor's nickname for her, but she can't remember ever hearing Zac call her that before. “What did he do?”

Natalie's mind flies back to the night before, and before she can stop herself, the tears are falling down her face again. Zac scoots closer again and wraps his arms around her. He's bigger and stronger than Natalie realized and she's forced to admit, at least to herself, that it is somewhat comforting to be held by him.

“What did he do?” Zac asks again, his voice a little more insistent this time.

She shakes her head. “I don't know. He was just acting so strange.”

“He does that,” Zac replies. 

Natalie only cries harder, her whole body shaking now with each sob. Zac just tightens his grip on her, as though if he just holds her tight enough, he can stop her crying. It's valiant effort, but it doesn't work, no matter how much Natalie wishes it would.

“He, umm...” Natalie gasps out in between sobs. “We fought all day, you know? You guys heard it. And then he was so affectionate all the sudden, and I thought maybe he changed his mind. God, I'm so stupid.”

“No, you're not,” Zac replies. “These days, you never know which Taylor you're going to get, from one minute to the next. That's not your fault.”

“Well, he likes to act like it is,” Natalie replies, not even caring how childish and pathetic she sounds. If Zac notices, he wisely doesn't comment.

“Is that all he did? Just his... mood swing?”

Zac's more observant and intuitive than Natalie's given him credit for, she realizes. She can't hide the truth from him; his big, sad eyes will just stare at her until she spills every last bit of her guts. 

“No,” she admits, a harder sob racking her body. “He... well, _we_ , I guess, did something really stupid...”

She would really prefer to leave it at that, but Zac's giving her those puppy dog eyes again. She swears she can see the gears turning behind them, processing what she's said and trying to read between the lines. Realization seems to slowly be dawning on him, but she can see that he still has more questions. She can only hope he doesn't ask them.

“But... you guys broke up, right?” Zac asks, his brow furrowing adorably. He really is still a child, Natalie decides, but he's sweet.

“Yeah,” she replies, pulling back and wiping away her tears. “So I guess it doesn't matter. I hope.”

Zac's brow furrows more, a dozen questions written across his face.

Natalie sighs. “He... we didn't use protection.”

Zac's eyes widen to a size Natalie didn't even realize was possible. In any instant, he's scooting forward again, hauling her into his lap. She hadn't even realized how hard she was crying until her face is shoved into Zac's hoodie, her tears soaking through it quickly. He just holds her there, letting her cry, until finally the sobs slow a little, more from exhaustion than anything else.

Still holding her close, Zac says, “But... everything might be okay, right?”

“I don't know,” Natalie says. “I guess I have to wait a while, then take a test, and then...”

She trails off into another sob. Then what? What if she is pregnant? That might be just what it takes to convince Taylor to take her back, but that's practically blackmail. After the way he's treated her this week, she's not even sure it's worth it and she doubts Taylor will think it is, either. Maybe she can just not tell him, and try to raise the hypothetical kid on her own. That seems even scarier than telling Taylor, though. There's just no way to win.

“Well, don't worry about that until you have to, okay?” 

Natalie nods. Again, Zac is still such a child and can't possibly understand what she's really going through, but it's comforting nonetheless. She wishes she could remember how to be so optimistic and believe that everything would be okay in time. It seems Taylor has robbed her of that, though. He's taken a lot from her, and now she's not even sure it's worth what he's given. 

“You'll be okay,” Zac says again, sounding more like he's trying to convince himself than he is her.

Natalie sighs and curls up in his lap again. Her tears have all gone now, but she doesn't want to move. Sitting here, with Zac's arms wrapped around her, she's the calmest she's been all day. Maybe everything will be okay in time. Maybe not. What she's certain of it is that everything is about to change, but maybe she at least has a friend in Zac.


	3. June 2004

It's strange to be back in Tulsa. Natalie doesn't really miss living in the pool house, but it was definitely better than sharing an apartment with Isaac and Zac on a busy New York street. The New York thing is only supposed to be temporary; soon, Taylor keeps telling her, they'll be able to move back on Tulsa for good, to a house of their own.

This is just a vacation in between tours, a time to use their own studio for a while. They've invited a few friends out for the weekend and Natalie hasn't seen Taylor for more than a few hours each day. Still, it isn't so bad, being back in Tulsa, however briefly. 

It's late at night and Ezra finally went to sleep, but Taylor is still up working with Bleu in the studio. She doesn't dare disturb him when he's a work, but she's willing to risk standing at the door for a moment, just watching him with his head bent over, brow furrowed, as he plucks at the guitar strings. Even after all these years, and everything that's happened between the two of them, she still loves to watch him play. Natalie not deluded; she knows that's the only time when he's really happy, when he's onstage or playing some instrument. She could never hope to make him that happy, but if she can make him happy at all... well, that's good enough.

He doesn't notice her there at all and after a minute or two, she slips away. The main house is quiet and dark, all the non-musical people fast sleep, and she feels terribly alone walking through the yard of the Hanson compound. She's just feeling sorry for herself, though. She's not nearly as homesick as she was just two short years ago. It still doesn't feel like that long, even though they celebrated with a few cupcakes and a bottle of wine just the week before. 

No, she doesn't feel homesick now, just alone. It's a feeling she couldn't explain to anyone, but it seems to be her constant condition these days. She supposes this is just what it's going to feel like to be a Hanson – constantly surrounded by people, yet still all alone. 

Her feet carry her to the pool house like they've got a mind of their own. She's lost count of how many times she's walked this same path – main house, studio, pool house – for one reason or another. The door is unlocked and she can't resist the urge to let herself in and take a look around her first home as a married woman. Spending the night alone just has her feeling nostalgic, she supposes. 

The kitchen and dining room are dark, but a small lamp illuminates the living room, so that Natalie really hears what's happening before she sees it. The clinking and crashing of glasses, followed by a distinctly feminine giggle that she doesn't recognize. Mumbling voices and shuffling sounds, something that might be a zipper being lowered. Natalie takes a few steps further into the doorway and her heart stops.

Zac. And Shannon. His pants are halfway down and a few other articles of clothing are scattered around the floor, but Natalie can't really see much of Shannon's body underneath him aside from her bright red hair splayed across the arm of the couch. Their lips are locked together in a far more passionate kiss than she's ever seen Zac share with Kate.

When she remembers how to speak again, she only manages to squeak out, “Umm... Zac?”

Natalie turns on her heel and runs out of the pool house before Zac has a chance to say a word. She can hear Shannon's confused voice and doesn't even pause to hear the actual words. She wants to get herself as far away from the two of them as possible so that maybe she can pretend she didn't just see _that_.

Her feet refuse to carry her farther than the pool, and so she settles for flopping into a deck chair and trying to catch her breath. Had that really just happened? Maybe she was asleep in bed, having a really strange nightmare. She actually pinched herself on the arm, hard, just to test. Nope. Awake.

She didn't even see or hear Zac walk up, but suddenly he was sitting in the chair next to her, a half-empty bottle of wine clutched tightly in his hand.

“Sorry you had to see that,” he says.

She just shrugs, because what can she really say about the fact that she just saw her brother-in-law half naked, having sex with some woman? There are a million reasons why she'd like to forget that she ever saw it, not the least of which being so she doesn't have to ever admit to Kate that she did.

“It was... pretty much exactly what it looked like,” Zac says, tipping up the wine bottle and taking a big swig, then holding it out to Natalie.

She considers refusing, but on second thought, getting tipsy couldn't make the night any stranger. The bottle is lighter than she expects, and she sloshes a little of it out when she grabs it from his hand and brings it to her mouth. It's good wine and she's sure someone will be upset that Zac wasted it. The fact that he still isn't even old enough to have bought it himself crosses her mind, but she doesn't bother chastising him for it. After all, she's still a few months shy of twenty one, too, even though most days she feels much, much older. Instead, she just takes another, smaller sip, then passes the bottle back to him.

Zac takes another long sip, then sets the bottle down next to his chair. For a few minutes, neither one of them speaks. Natalie stares down into the pool, wishing they were a little closer to it so she could see their reflections. That way, she could try to figure out what Zac was thinking without having to just stare at him. She's got a million questions for him – why? Is this the first time? – but she doesn't dare ask a single one. If Zac wants her to know anything, she knows she'll just have to wait for him to tell her.

“I guess Kate didn't tell you,” Zac says, and it takes Natalie a moment to realize it's more of a statement than a question.

“Tell me what?”

“We broke up,” he replies, his voice going a bit hoarse. “ _She_ cheated on _me_.”

Anger washes over Natalie. How could Kate do something like that and not tell her? Kate is supposed to be her best friend, but realistically she knows they've drifted apart in the past two years. All Kate ever wants to talk about is all the fun she's having at college, and all Natalie has to talk about is the latest mean thing the fans have said about her or the mess Ezra made that day. She knows it's not Kate's fault that she ended up with this life; she just wants a little more sympathy, that's all. And now Kate's not only got her own life, but she's cheating on Zac? She's not mad that Zac found out first, either, but she just needs _somewhere_ to direct all the anger she's got bottled up, and Kate seems like a good target.

“I won't tell Kate,” Natalie says, even though she knows Zac hasn't asked. It just seems like it needs to be said. 

Zac exhales, then gives Natalie a tiny smile. “Thanks. I know I should talk to her... maybe we can still work things out, I don't know.”

Natalie puts her hand on Zac's knee in a gesture that she hopes is reassuring. It feels a little strange to touch him, even innocently, after what she just witnessed. If he feels awkward to Zac, he doesn't let it show.

“If it's meant to be, then you guys will work things out,” Natalie says.

“You really believe that?”

She shrugs. It's the sort of thing she tells herself when she and Taylor fight, which seems to be increasingly often these days, but it's become more of a habit than something she truly believes. When did she get so old and bitter, anyway? It seems like just yesterday she was falling foolishly, head over heels in love with Taylor, believing with every fiber of their being that they would be together forever. Now they've vowed to do as much, but it doesn't feel as great as she imagined.

“If you don't believe it, why did you say it?” Zac asks, his tone a little more accusing than before.

“Because if I don't at least try to believe in something, what's the point?” That's not really what she meant to say at all. It sounds so religious, and she really isn't like that. Shaking her head a little, Natalie tries again. “I mean, I might as well just give up and leave if I don't at least _try_ to make things work. It's not always easy, but... it's got to be better than the alternative.”

The alternative... being alone. Being a single mother. Being the one who let Taylor Hanson get away. The latter hardly even matters any more. He's so much more to her now than just Taylor Hanson. He's the father of her child, the man she's vowed to spend forever with, the man she's seen at his absolute worst, the man who has broken her heart over and over again. In spite of all the pain, though, she would do it all again. She has no doubt of that.

Zac and Kate aren't like that, though. Their relationship has always seemed so easy; at least, to Natalie it has. They're not like her and Taylor, though, so maybe she shouldn't compare them. Clearly there was more below the surface than she had realized, and she didn't know whether to be angry that Kate had hidden so much from her or mad at herself for not seeing it. 

Mostly, though, her heart was breaking for Zac. He had been there for her when her world was falling apart, even if he had nothing of use to offer but a shoulder to cry on. She didn't have anything more useful to offer him now, and she didn't really expect him to start crying, anyway.

Still, she inches her chair closer to his, until the two chairs are close enough to knock together. The sound seems to echo forever, a reminder that everyone else on the property is probably asleep by now. Natalie has no clue how late it even is, but she's willing to sit out here with Zac for as long as he will have her. She reaches under his chair and pulls out the wine bottle, taking a slow, lazy sip before passing it back to him.

They pass the bottle back and forth until it's empty, and Zac tosses it out onto the grass. Natalie wonders if he's going to bother retrieving it before he goes to bed or if he'll just leave it there as some strange proof of what happened tonight.

“Well,” Zac says. “I should probably go... talk to Shannon.”

Natalie isn't sure if he means talk to Shannon or _talk_ to Shannon, and she isn't going to ask. It's not her place. He might be her brother-in-law, but Zac has his own life, and evidently, so does Kate. What they do is their business. Natalie only wishes she knew how to make them happy, but she can't even solve her own problems, so getting involved in someone else's seems like a recipe for disaster. She watches wordlessly as Zac walks away, wishing she had answers for either of them.


	4. December 2011

The holidays are both Natalie's favorite and least favorite part of the year. She loves the presents, the food, the decorations and even the occasional snow. It's also the only time of year that she can count of Taylor being home for any significant length of time. That's both a blessing and a curse, though. When he's not home, it's easier to pretend their marriage is fine. When he's home, they both have to plaster on fake smiles and play the perfect couple. 

It doesn't snow that much in Oklahoma, but the winters are still cold enough that Natalie doesn't think she'll ever get used to it, no matter how many years she's called the state home. It's that deceptive sort of cold, where the sun is shining but you're chilled to the bone within seconds of walking outside. She doesn't feel a bit indulgent for sitting on the couch with a cup of hot cocoa, complete with marshmallows, during the one blissful day she has free from the kids. 

It won't be free for long, though. She agreed to help Zac shop for a Christmas present for Kate, in exchange for his help picking out something for Taylor. You'd think they would know their own spouses well enough to handle that alone, but apparently they don't. Natalie thought that Zac and Kate's marriage was better than that, though – at least better than her own. She makes it a point to not pry into their issues, taking whatever Kate says about their little disagreements at face value and not asking for more. 

So it took her by surprise when Zac called, but she agreed eagerly. The two of them really don't spend any time together these days – a byproduct of both having their own families, she supposes – and it's something she kind of misses about the days when they all lived in the same apartment. The opportunity to spend an afternoon with him and catch up on the friendship they've built in baby steps over the years sounds wonderful to her.

Natalie's just reached the lukewarm last few sips of her cocoa when the doorbell rings. She doesn't have to guess who it is; Taylor's in the studio, the kids are with her parents, and Zac had called about a half hour earlier to say that he was on his way. With the still-warm mug in her hand, she ruses to answer the door.

Sure enough, it's Zac. A blast of cold air rushes into the house when Natalie swings the door open and she shivers hard, grabbing Zac and pulling him into the house before the chill completely settles into her body. He just chuckles and closes the door behind himself.

“I think it's going to snow tonight,” Zac says, unwinding the long scarf around his neck. 

Unlike Taylor, Zac only wears scarves in the winter. Natalie's pretty sure he only owns three, and two of those were presents from her and Taylor. He looks good wearing one, though, she thinks; she's noticed how he dresses a little more like Taylor these days, but somehow it doesn't look as ridiculous or like he's trying too hard. Zac's really grown up, Natalie decides, even if he is still a big kid in a lot of ways. 

Natalie takes his scarf and coat and tosses them onto the table by the door. “I hope it doesn't. You know I hate snow.”

“You hate _New York_ snow,” Zac corrects. “But out here, the snow is awesome. At least there's less chance of catching something if you get hit with a snowball.”

Natalie just shakes her head. He's still such a kid, but it really is a part of his charm. Somehow, unlike the rest of them, Zac managed to avoid getting jaded. Natalie wishes she could be more like him in that way, but she's pretty sure she's too far gone now.

“So, umm,” Zac asks, looking Natalie up and down. “Are you ready to go?”

She glances down and frowns. Is there something wrong with her outfit? It's just jeans and a sweater, nothing fancy, and she is apparently still wearing her comfy, fuzzy socks. She didn't think she looked that bad, though. She even put on makeup and not in the quick, barely looking in the mirror way that she usually has to because of the kids. Sure, she doesn't look as glamorous as Kate usually does, but why would Zac even compare the two of them? What does it matter to him how she looks?

“It's just, you're still having lunch...” Zac says, poking the coffee mug in her hand.

“Oh,” Natalie says, chuckling nervously. “It was just a... snack, really. Do you want a cup before we go?”

Zac shakes his head. “Tempting, but no. I was thinking we would get lunch while we're out. Although I don't even know where we're going to go.”

“No ideas at all?” Natalie still finds it baffling that Zac seems to be at such a loss for what to buy his wife.

“Not really,” he replies, frowning a little. He takes a few steps into the living room and flops down onto the couch. “I mean, I usually just buy her a couple books and whatever jewelry or purse she's hinted about wanting. But that's pretty predictable, right? I ought to do _better_ than that.”

“At least you know she's getting something she'll like. If I want a present I'll like, I have to take Taylor's credit card and buy it myself. And I have. It's his preferred method of Christmas shopping for me, in fact,” Natalie says. She tries to smile and giggle a little, like it's a joke or some funny little quirk of their marriage, but it really isn't.

Zac chuckles a little, like he's not sure whether he's really supposed to join in or not, and pats the spot next to him on the couch. Natalie sits down, finally loosening her grip on the coffee mug and setting it on the coffee table. She's not sure what Zac wants, so she just stares down at the mug until he speaks again.

“Tay really ought to try harder than that. If I can try, so can he. You deserve that.”

“I deserve a lot of stuff,” Natalie replies, giving Zac a dismissive shrug. “Doesn't mean I'm going to get any of those things. That's just life.”

“It doesn't have to be.”

Natalie just shrugs again. Even if Zac has a point, it doesn't matter. That _is_ how her life is, and she's mostly made her peace with that. There are times when she wishes things were different – like when she can't go online without seeing pictures of Taylor drunk at a club or posing for a picture with his ex-boyfriend – but she only has to look at her kids to remember that some things are worth the pain.

Zac wouldn't understand that, though, would he? Natalie hates herself for even thinking it; he and Kate might not have the same problems as her marriage has, but she knows things aren't always perfect for them. They seem to thrive on the arguments, though, while she and Taylor just find ways to speak to each other less and less often to avoid fighting. 

“Maybe you should make it that way. Do something for yourself,” Zac says.

Natalie turns to look at him and it suddenly feels like he's sitting a lot closer to her than he was just a few seconds ago. She wasn't sure if he had moved or if she had, but either way, they were close enough for their knees to touch and for Zac's intense, dark stare to make her shiver a little. Natalie must not have been watching when he went from dorky little brother to really good looking, but it always takes her breath away when she notices it again. And then she hates herself for thinking about her brother-in-law that way. 

But it isn't like she's going to act on that feeling. Probably.

It doesn't look like that decision is going to be hers to make, though. Zac is definitely inching closer to her, his tongue darting out to wet his lips and his dark, thick eyelashes fluttering. Natalie knows exactly what she should do – shove him away, get up and run, anything but let him kiss her. She's frozen in place, though, unable to think of any truly good reason _not_ to let this happen.

The kiss lasts for maybe a second before Zac pulls away, his eyes wide like a deer in the headlights. He's shaking a little and not quite meeting Natalie's eyes, and he says, “Fuck, I'm sorry. That was... I shouldn't have done that.”

He isn't wrong and Natalie knows that, but she's realizing that she really, really doesn't care. If Taylor can cheat – she can't prove it, but some things you just _know_ – then so can she. Maybe Zac's right. Maybe she should do something for herself.

With that thought in mind, Natalie grabs a fistful of Zac's shirt, just to make sure that he doesn't run away, and crushes their lips together. The second kiss lasts much longer than the first, and grows deeper by the second. Natalie finds an aggressiveness she didn't know she had, and shoves Zac until he's flat on his back beneath her. She's not sure which one of them is calling the shots, but she's willing to take this all the way if he is.

Zac doesn't seem ready to stop any time soon, though, if the way his hand is sliding up Natalie's shirt is any indication. She reluctantly breaks the kiss, only so she can peel her sweater off. That seems to open the flood gates, leaving them both scrambling to remove their clothing. It's all moving faster than Natalie would like, but she knows if they slow down, it will only give them time to think about how much they really shouldn't be doing this.

When Zac's hand slips between her legs, though, she can't find it in herself to care how wrong this all is, not when it feels like _that_. Her eyes flutter shut and for a moment she forgets who's touching her and just focuses on the way it feels. But those strong, calloused hands could never be Taylor's, and soon she's pulled back to reality and staring down at Zac's flushed face.

“Be right back,” she gasps out, reluctantly pulling herself away from him.

It feels sinful, somehow, to walk through her house completely naked in the middle of the day, even though she knows there's no one there to see. She scurries to the bathroom and digs through the cabinets until she finds what she's looking for – a ridiculous, neon pink foil packet that she kept meaning to throw away and is now glad she didn't.

Twirling it between her fingers, she hurries back to the living room and feels herself blushing as soon as Zac peers over the back of the couch at her. Her face is burning up when she hands the condom packet to him, and he raises an eyebrow.

“Compliments of this weird club we went to,” Natalie explains. “Just... don't ask.”

She can see Zac fighting the giggles as he opens the packet and finds the contents just as neon pink, but he doesn't say a word. His brow furrows adorably as he rolls the condom on, and Natalie has to stop herself from giggling this time. Somehow, she doesn't think Zac would appreciate that very much.

With the condom in place, he grasps her hips roughly and pulls her down on top of him. Natalie bites back a whimper at the feeling, the sudden intrusion that she's, frankly, not used to. It's been a long time, anyway, and Zac isn't being exactly gentle as someone that.... _well endowed_ ought to be. He holds her in place for a moment though, his hand reaching up to touch her cheek in soft contrast to his roughness a moment ago. Natalie takes a deep breath, then gives him a tiny nod.

Natalie can't remember the last time sex felt like this, and it's only partially because of Zac's size and her own barely existent sex life. It's more than a little dirty and wrong, doing this with her brother-in-law in the middle of her living room. But it's wrong in all the right ways, she decides. It's selfish and sinful and exactly what she needed.

It doesn't last all that long, but Natalie's not sure she really could have handled more, anyway. The brevity doesn't mean it's unsatisfying, though. Natalie collapses on top of him, both of them sweating and shaking. She thinks she might continue to see stars for days, and she barely trusts herself to even sit up. Zac just rubs her back as his own breathing slowly returns to normal.

Finally, she finds the strength to sit up again, and the two of them redress in silence. Zac shuffles off to the kitchen, and she hears the sound of the garbage lid slamming. Natalie runs her fingers through her hair and stares off at the wall as she waits for him to return. Her face flushes again when the couch shifts under Zac's weight and she can barely bear to glance over at him. He just gives her a tiny grin. 

“I think I'd like that hot cocoa now.”


	5. March 2013

Natalie's never really been one for new age stuff, but she does consider herself a spiritual person, someone at least aware of the world around her. While she loathes the winter, the spring always seemed full of new possibilities to her. It's a good time for a fresh start, a long-needed new beginning. 

She tears several pages off her to-do list until she reaches one that isn't riddled with tiny indents of the words that came before. It's just one, tiny symbolic clean break. She isn't writing a list of chores; at least, not in the same way that she usually does. She writes down lists of things to take to her mom's, things to pack for herself, things to leave for Taylor. Room by room, she catalogs her life with him and files it all away with the same emotional attachment that she files their bills.

The list takes up several pages, depleting the rest of the dainty little pink floral stationary that she's sure Kate put a lot of thought into picking out. If Kate only knew... But Natalie hasn't even had the heart to tell her best friend she's leaving town, so she certainly doesn't plan to reveal her darker secret. If Zac ever spills the beans, it won't matter. She'll be long gone by then.

Natalie isn't expecting any company today at all, and she barely hears the doorbell from Penny's bedroom, where she's sorting through dresses and hair bows. She tucks the pen behind her hair and then note pad under her arm, and scurries to see who the unexpected visitor is.

When she opens the door, she finds herself face to face with Zac. Somehow, she feels like she should have anticipated that. 

“Zac...” She begins, but quickly finds herself at a loss for any other words.

He gives her his usual sheepish smile and holds up a hand full of envelopes. “Hey. I ducked out early today and uh... well, I picked up your mail, just because I could.”

Natalie isn't sure what to say to any of that, so she just steps back and lets him into the house. She glances at the note pad in her hand, realizing that she can't really continue packing with Zac there. They both glance around nervously for a moment, Zac rocking on his heels and mindlessly flipping through the envelopes in his hand.

“A lawyer?” 

Natalie blinks. “What?”

“This letter,” Zac says, holding up the offending piece of mail. “From a... divorce lawyer?”

Natalie sighs. So much for not having this conversation with Zac. She knows it's cowardly to just run off without explaining herself to him, though, but she had hoped that would buy her time to find a decent explanation. It almost pains her more to leave him than to leave Taylor. He deserves to understand why, though.

“Come on in,” she says, heading back down the hallway without waiting to see if Zac follows. She's pretty sure he will.

She goes back to the pile of dresses on Penny's bed without ever looking back, but it doesn't take her by surprise to hear Zac clear his throat from the doorway.

“You're really leaving?”

She nods. “I am. That letter is just the final piece of paperwork, and then I'm a free woman.”

“But why?” His voice sounds closer, but she still doesn't turn around.

“Why not?” She says, wincing at how harsh it sounds. With a sigh, she spins around to face Zac, now standing only a foot away from her. “What reason have I got to stay? We barely speak, I've slept with _you_ more recently than I have him. We haven't been in love for years. I don't know if we even were when we got married. So, what part of that sounds like a marriage worth staying in?”

The words tumble out of her mouth completely unplanned but absolutely true. Zac's eyes are wide, wider than they ought to be. Doesn't he already know all of this? He's been here all along. He held her when she cried over the breakup that wasn't. He comforted her when Taylor seemed to barely remember she existed. Surely he knows what she lives with every day.

“Okay,” Zac says. “When you put it that way...”

“Your marriage can't be all sunshine and roses either, Zac. Not if you're...” Natalie trails off, already feeling lower than dirt for making the accusation.

Zac winces, but only slightly. It's a well practiced move, catching his emotional reactions so soon that most people wouldn't see them. But Natalie sees. She wonders if Kate does, and immediately hates herself for even thinking it. She's not better than Kate. She's not.

“Maybe it isn't,” Zac finally admits. “But that doesn't mean I'm just going to give up.”

“And that's fine for you. That's _good_. But I don't have anything to give up on. You know why we got married in the first place. We can lie about it, but you were there. You know the only reason he took me back.”

Zac nods, and Natalie's glad that he doesn't say it. It's the closest she's ever come to acknowledging it; not even in the heat of her worst arguments with Taylor have they actually talked about the fact that he didn't choose to propose to her of his own free will. They both know it even without putting it into words. Everyone knows it.

Natalie reaches out and puts her hands on Zac's cheeks – both of them, just to make sure he looks her in the eyes. She needs him to see that in a way, she's doing this for him, too.

“You've still got a chance, Zac,” she says. “Make your marriage work. You guys can do it. But me and Taylor... that's beyond repair.”

She can almost see the gears in his brain working, turning over her words to see if they hold any truth. Finally, he gives her a small nod.

“Yeah, okay. I'll try. But what about you?”

“What about me?” Natalie asks, letting her hands fall from Zac's face. She starts to turn back to the bed, but Zac reaches for her arm and stops her.

“I mean, what will you do now?”

She shrugs. “I don't know. I'm staying with Mom for a while, but I'll find my own place. Maybe I'll go to college. I wanted to, you know.”

Zac just nods again, no doubt noticing the mixture of wistfulness and bitterness in her voice. It's true; she did have plans to go to college. She and Kate were going to be roommates. Maybe she would have studied nursing or education. Teaching little kids sounded fun, at least until she had so many of her own to wrangle. But nursing. She could still do that. 

“I'll be fine,” she says, wriggling out of his grasp. “Really. I'm practically a single mother now, anyway. It's really not a big change.”

“What about...” Zac begins, then glances down. Natalie's not sure, but she's pretty sure that underneath all that hair, he's blushing. “What about us?”

That's the question she was afraid to answer, although she thought she had already addressed it. Evidently not. With a sigh, she says, “Work on your marriage, Zac. Make it work. Without me.”

He doesn't look up. It's the right answer, she knows, but it's not the one it seems he wanted. Natalie can't fix that, though. She wishes things were less complicated, but that's part of why she's leaving. If she removes herself from the equation, everyone else's life will be a lot easier. She's doing them all a favor, really.

“I'm sorry, Zac,” she says, inching closer to him and touching his arm. “You know we shouldn't have happened. And you'll be fine – better, probably – with me out of the picture. Make things work with Kate, or don't, but don't think that you and me have any place continuing this.”

“I'll miss you,” he says, his voice so low that Natalie almost asks him to repeat it just so she can be sure she heard him correctly.

“I'll miss you, too,” she admits. “It's not like we won't ever see each other. Kate's still... my best friend. My kids are still your nieces and nephews.”

“You know what I mean.”

“I know,” she replies. “And I'll... miss that, too. But it's better this way.”

Zac nods softly. Natalie can't believe she's managed to convince him of anything; Zac's notoriously stubborn in ways that she can hardly fathom sometimes. Sometimes it's a good thing, but other times it's frustrating. Still other times, he surprises her completely and admits that someone else is right.

“You'll be fine without me,” she adds, knowing that Zac already knows this but still feeling the need to reassure him. He's not fragile, though. He might be sensitive, but he's as tough as he is stubborn.

“Will you be fine?”

“Yeah,” she replies, giving him the best smile she can manage. She's thought about this long enough that it isn't really scary at all now. “Of course I'll be fine.”

Zac returns her smile, but his isn't very convincing. Before Natalie can process what's happening, he leans down and presses his lips to hers. It's the quickest, most chaste kiss the two of them have ever shared, and it seems like an oddly fitting way to end things. When Zac pulls back, the look in his eyes tells her that he knows that's the last time.

“I guess I should let you finish packing,” he says.

“You can stay,” she replies.

Zac shakes his head. “No, I'm sure you have it under control. I should probably go home, anyway.”

Natalie nods. She understand what he's left unsaid; he's ready to start working on his own marriage again. She has no doubt that it will work out for him. He and Kate have always rolled with the punches like that. 

“Alright,” she says, giving him what she hopes is a better smile. “I'll see you around?”

“Yeah, I guess. Bye, Natalie.”

“Bye, Zac.”

As she watches Zac walk out of the room, she hopes that she has the strength to keep that promise to end their relationship. It still feels wrong to call it that, but she knows it wasn't just sex. That's why it has to end, though. She can't fall in love with him – worse yet, she can't let him fall in love with her. If she's no longer tied to Taylor... well, that's just one less thing standing in the way of them admitting what they feel. 

Natalie doesn't even know if Zac feels the same way. But she's not going to give him the chance to tell her. She didn't tell him, but she's looking at houses in Georgia. The more distance between herself and this life, the better. 

Once she hears the door slam and she's sure Zac is gone, she finally turns back to the bed. She picks up the little note pad and snarls at it. She tosses it over her shoulder, in the general direction of the garbage can. She doesn't need lists. She doesn't need every detail of her life planned out. That never worked out well for her, anyway.

What she needs is a new beginning, and she's given herself one. With a genuine smile creeping across her face, she begins packing up Penny's clothes, confident that she really will be okay without Taylor _or_ Zac.


End file.
